four weeks on...

My name is Melanie and this is my first blog. This is quite a departure for me - I'm a pen and paper girl when it comes to recordnig my thoughts - but this is a joint Lambertini venture and is decidedly easier to transport around the world, wherever life should take us. Essentially I'm writing this to process thoughts and feelings and for us to look back on these formative weeks and months... But there will still be some reflections that will be reserved for my old-school notebook because essentially this is still a public forum. Having said that, I'm happy if anyone feels the desire to - and can be bothered to - read the outpourings of our random meandering minds to share all that's written here. If you're not a Lambertini and you're reading this, welcome.

I've hoped to get some time to write some thoughts since Grace was a few days old but haven't quite managed it for one reason or another (mainly because I've been a bit of a milk factory). So the detail and rawness of some of those early reflections is largely gone or now feels irrelevant. I've told the story of her birth so many times now that it seems unnecessary to repeat it here (and I think Paul may well have already related it in his first posting). What I really want to do is note down some reflections on the journey that is breastfeeding so that I don't lose some of the emotions and reactions that will be completely forgotten by the time / if we have another bairn and can refer back to this as a reference point.

As the one doing the feeding thing, it has been an emotional journey at times. On the whole I can say that everything, from pregnancy to birth to breastfeeding to fatigue, has been easier than I had feared. I really did thinkbreastfeeding would be physically much harder than it has been. The toughest part (physically) so far has been the first week after the milk came in - thanks to Elaine Murray for the warnings of toe-curling pain, which did on several occasions reduce me to tears (usually when combined with tiredness).

No, for me I think the emotional impact of breastfeeding has been hardest, or at least most unpredictable (being about emotions and all...). It's strange juxtaposition - to have the sexiest curviest body you've ever had, to have the boobs you'd always wanted, while also feeling like a milk machine and feeling like your main - almost sole - purpose has suddenly become to keep a person alive in a very basic, physical and time-consuming way - has een quite overwhelming at times. My first attempt at expressing left me completely discouraged and deflated (no pun intended) as I made yet another strange and unprecedented demand of my body. The time-consuming aspcet is hard to deal with too as I completely reframe what I can get done in a day adn then expect to not meet any of these adjusted expectations either! Protestant work ethic? Maybe, but I don't feel guilt about it... it's more I think that I love being busy and so tend to plan bits and pieces every day, but then am reminded again that all of this is secondary to keeping Grace well-fed. For eaxmaple, it has taken me 8 hours to finsih this blog posting...

More later

M